Learn to celebrate YOU!

Its not difficult for me to give feedback. And because of this behavior, most of the time, I am being perceived as too critical or worst, rude because I speak my mind on the spot.

Me giving feedback to others is often perceived as being hard on others, but people do not know that I am even harder on myself. I have always lived in this saying: I am my own worst and biggest critic. 

Its not difficult for me to find fault in myself—even in the smallest things - even after praise, even when someone told me I did well - even when celebration and wins are too obvious - I will always find fault in myself. Yes, I’d smile politely, say thank you, but inside, I was already brushing it off. And in the most part, I would deflect the recognition, and refer it to others. I could never fully let the good in - the compliments -  the recognition - the wins - its all up in the air.

I always chase the feeling of being enough, trying to keep up, trying to stand out, trying to prove that I mattered, trying to prove that my thoughts are valid, trying to measure up to others. It felt safer to hide behind humility or perfectionism.

BUT, if I’m honest, its really exhausting. Wearing a smile while constantly second-guessing myself—it's heavy, and lonely.

Today, I felt so tired and exhausted. Literally and figuratively. 

I paused for a while and decided to do a mind shift, read a good book and whip up a good batter and bake a good muffin. I decided also to do some kitchen experiment and make a homemade chicken nuggets. My son, who has been refusing to eat what I bake for the longest time decided to take a bite, and then said: "Mommy this is so good! Parang binili sa restaurant". 

Those words hit differently.

To my son, I am always the best. I am always his champion. I don't know why, but out of the blue, it made me so emotional. 

Then something came to me as a realization, something beautiful and long overdue: 

I SHOULDNT  JUST BE MY WORST CRITIC.
I SHOULD ALSO BE MY GREATEST CHAMPION.

Regarding myself as my greatest champion isn't ego, its me not being boastful, I realize its actually a form of self-respect. It’s choosing to speak to myself with the same compassion I offer others. It’s recognizing that perfection isn’t the goal (although I admit, I am perfectionist) - its growth and grace.

Lately, I easily get disappointed. Sometimes because I chase feedback from specific person or group of people and when I don't get it, whatever wins I get, how many praises I received, there's no sense of fulfillment. The words of praises will just be another fuel to keep me recharge good for a day or two - like a lifeline that I will always seek so I can keep going. When the lifeline is all consumed, I find myself chasing and craving, again.

Its been a cycle, and that cycle can sometimes be tiring.

And its been a question of mine for a while - Why is there no more sense of fulfillment in what I do? Why do I feel I suddenly wanted change? Why do I crave for something I cannot explain? Why does it feel something is missing always? What is it that I am chasing?

Today, I found my answer. I realized that no amount of praise from others will ever feel fulfilling if I don’t first learn to believe in my own worth. Maybe if I do this, those praises will no longer be lifelines, instead, it will be powerful affirmations. 

As the saying goes:

"The most powerful validation one could ever receive is the kindness we give ourselves."

So from now on, I will learn to choose to celebrate myself while still being my own worst  and biggest critic.

The small wins. The quiet progress. The strength it takes just to keep going on the hard days. I  will try to not wait for someone else to tell me I’m doing well. I can say it to myself. And actually mean it. And hopefully, this will start to change how I view things.

PS: Documenting some of the feedbacks I received yesterday at work that I quickly brushed off and instead referred to the team who did the leg work, but looking back, I realize, I also deserve a pat on my back.