Learn to celebrate YOU!

Its not difficult for me to give feedback. And because of this behavior, most of the time, I am being perceived as too critical or worst, rude because I speak my mind on the spot.

Me giving feedback to others is often perceived as being hard on others, but people do not know that I am even harder on myself. I have always lived in this saying: I am my own worst and biggest critic. 

Its not difficult for me to find fault in myself—even in the smallest things - even after praise, even when someone told me I did well - even when celebration and wins are too obvious - I will always find fault in myself. Yes, I’d smile politely, say thank you, but inside, I was already brushing it off. And in the most part, I would deflect the recognition, and refer it to others. I could never fully let the good in - the compliments -  the recognition - the wins - its all up in the air.

I always chase the feeling of being enough, trying to keep up, trying to stand out, trying to prove that I mattered, trying to prove that my thoughts are valid, trying to measure up to others. It felt safer to hide behind humility or perfectionism.

BUT, if I’m honest, its really exhausting. Wearing a smile while constantly second-guessing myself—it's heavy, and lonely.

Today, I felt so tired and exhausted. Literally and figuratively. 

I paused for a while and decided to do a mind shift, read a good book and whip up a good batter and bake a good muffin. I decided also to do some kitchen experiment and make a homemade chicken nuggets. My son, who has been refusing to eat what I bake for the longest time decided to take a bite, and then said: "Mommy this is so good! Parang binili sa restaurant". 

Those words hit differently.

To my son, I am always the best. I am always his champion. I don't know why, but out of the blue, it made me so emotional. 

Then something came to me as a realization, something beautiful and long overdue: 

I SHOULDNT  JUST BE MY WORST CRITIC.
I SHOULD ALSO BE MY GREATEST CHAMPION.

Regarding myself as my greatest champion isn't ego, its me not being boastful, I realize its actually a form of self-respect. It’s choosing to speak to myself with the same compassion I offer others. It’s recognizing that perfection isn’t the goal (although I admit, I am perfectionist) - its growth and grace.

Lately, I easily get disappointed. Sometimes because I chase feedback from specific person or group of people and when I don't get it, whatever wins I get, how many praises I received, there's no sense of fulfillment. The words of praises will just be another fuel to keep me recharge good for a day or two - like a lifeline that I will always seek so I can keep going. When the lifeline is all consumed, I find myself chasing and craving, again.

Its been a cycle, and that cycle can sometimes be tiring.

And its been a question of mine for a while - Why is there no more sense of fulfillment in what I do? Why do I feel I suddenly wanted change? Why do I crave for something I cannot explain? Why does it feel something is missing always? What is it that I am chasing?

Today, I found my answer. I realized that no amount of praise from others will ever feel fulfilling if I don’t first learn to believe in my own worth. Maybe if I do this, those praises will no longer be lifelines, instead, it will be powerful affirmations. 

As the saying goes:

"The most powerful validation one could ever receive is the kindness we give ourselves."

So from now on, I will learn to choose to celebrate myself while still being my own worst  and biggest critic.

The small wins. The quiet progress. The strength it takes just to keep going on the hard days. I  will try to not wait for someone else to tell me I’m doing well. I can say it to myself. And actually mean it. And hopefully, this will start to change how I view things.

PS: Documenting some of the feedbacks I received yesterday at work that I quickly brushed off and instead referred to the team who did the leg work, but looking back, I realize, I also deserve a pat on my back. 

#Motherhood #Realtalk

BEING A MOM MEANS YOU HAVE TO BE EVERYTHING. AND BOY, THIS JOB IS TOUGH!

It’s true, you can never ever prepare enough on how to become a mother and I am not going to lie, there are times in my life right now that I just wanted to leave and escape. There are times that I just wanted to shut the door and have my own quiet, peaceful time. There are times that I just wanted to have my old life back, be socially engaged, go anywhere, escape anytime, and just be free. But every time I feel those emotions, there’s always, ALWAYS, someone and something that pulls me back and gives me courage and more than enough reason to stay and be stronger.

I don’t know what I did right for God to bless me with such a beautiful angel. Before Gab, I thought I already know what life is. I thought I already know how to love. I thought I am already strong. It is just amazing how a tiny person that you just met can change your whole life. Gab taught me a lot of things in life I thought I already knew. I started to understand more what patience, contentment and acceptance are all about. I have mastered the concept of ‘others first’. I am slowly mastering what “work-life-balance” should be. I became a bigger person, but admits that I am still a work in progress.

I am far from being a perfect mother but there must be something that I am doing right to my son for him to constantly express that he needs and wants me. And even though there are always someone available for him, he still looks for me, only mommy. It feels really good (and tiring too) to be the EVERYTHING for someone. For my son, I know, for now, mommy is his EVERYTHING.

When he sense fear, he looks for mommy. When he’s in a crowd full of strangers, he only wants to be held by mommy. If something hurts, mommy can only calm him and gives him assurance that everything will be fine. When he’s happy, he looks at mommy with a wide smile and twinkling eyes. When he feels proud of his milestone, even if mommy’s far, he looks at mommy and smile, as if saying, “Mommy, look! Are you proud of me?” When he’s hungry and is satisfied during or after a breastfeeding session, he will always reach out to my face, hold my cheeks or nose, stops sucking for a second and give the most satisfying smirk as if saying “Thank you”. (Ahh. I am crying a bucket!). 

I love how he sees me as his everything despite my messy hair, stinking and undone clothes, no ligo and disordered self. I love my son more than I imagine I can love someone and I love being a mother to him. 

My life is a mess right now. I am still figuring out a lot of things and we’re still struggling with our setup. But with our son, life is more wonderful. It is more colorful. It is more meaningful. Being a mom, for lack of a more concise word, is tough. But it is utterly and undeniably satisfying! 

Happy Mother’s Day! 

My Pregnancy Journey

When I became pregnant, I thought I had already prepared myself in all the possible changes the process of pregnancy will introduce to my body, to my lifestyle and to my outlook in life. I had quite a few years to condition my mind and my body for this journey. I figured, I am still young and healthy and that carrying a baby would be no big deal – I mean, pregnancy makes you glow or makes you look wasted and too exhausted, you get to feel a baby kicking inside you, you might be a little tired or a little nauseous for a few weeks, you will gain a few pounds, you won’t be able to move much for some weeks, you’ll crave something weird and unusual, you’ll vomit but these are all normal so nothing to worry about these changes. When it came right down to it, I didn’t know how hard yet fulfilling pregnancy would be. 

It’s been three years already since we got married and it wasn't that too long when we tried to get pregnant, we decided to try only last year and we're lucky enough and blessed to be able to conceive easily. It was in our plan that once our home is built, that is the time that we’ll start planning to have a baby. Were on track on our life plans and when we said were ready to be parents and plan for a family since our house has been turned over to us already, GOD blessed us with a baby not too long since we started trying. HE graciously blessed us with a miracle.

It was January 18^th when we found out that we were pregnant (I think were already on our 4th week of pregnancy that time). Interestingly, they date the beginning of "pregnancy" from about two weeks before the sperm penetrates the egg, the pregnancy calendar starts first day of the woman's last menstrual period (LMP). Therefore, by the time we found out we're pregnant, our baby doesn't really exist just yet, it doesn't have a heart beat just yet, its just a zygote (a developing baby). Nonetheless, we are super excited about the blessing we received and took extra care so that the development of our little bundle of joy will continue safely.

It was Teng who insisted that we take pregnancy test when he found out that I am already one day delayed for my monthly period. I wanted to delay it more as I dont know what I would feel if the test would be negative. I said I dont want to do the test yet but he insisted so I said, "Go ahead and do the test. I'll just give you urine sample". He has no choice but to figure out how to use the PT kit. 

He’s really excited about it, he claimed that he knew that I am already pregnant. Then came in the result, two lines. POSITIVE! We cried tears of happiness. Teng was jumping, literally. He said he’s already seeing the baby in his dreams days before we took the test. Indeed, GOD perfectly planned this for our family. 

The first trimester was almost a good one. This was when our emotions and excitement is at its peak, I must say. This is when we first heard the heartbeat of our baby, and when we had a first glimpse of how tiny he started. 

During the first trimester I had minimal discomfort, no unusual preggo-cravings, morning sickness is manageable and just a bit of nausea here and there. The only thing that worried us was during the time I had shingles. We were very careful with the choice of medicine I had to take, my OB and I made sure that the medicine would not harm the baby. I didn't opt for a strong antibiotic even if it would take longer for the painful skin rash to go away. I am willing to sacrifice for the safety of my baby - anything for our little one.

The second trimester was a different story. This was when we took the CAS (congenital anomaly scan) and glucose tolerance test. Everything went all and results are OK. Most of the pregnancy book says that 2nd trimester would be the best period of pregnancy when aside from the bump, this period will be the most comfortable. Its a bit different on my end. I am feeling exhausted all the time. I grew and started putting up weight. I started gaining a pound every week, or so it seemed. I had worn regular clothes during the first trimester, but as soon as that second trimester hit, it was a battle to pick what clothes to wear, nothing fits. My belly popped as early as 19 weeks and the aches and pains slowly started to rear their head. I was also advised to stay at home for two weeks and do minimal activity as it looked like I am having a low pregnancy belly (carrying the baby low). 

Then come third trimester. Teng and I became even more excited to meet our precious little one. We had our surprise baby gender reveal with family around this time. We also received several surprise baby showers from friends at work, and outside work.

The baby shower parties add more excitement and it felt like my pregnancy was going by really slow, days became longer but the weight-gain wasn’t slow at all. The weight gain and swelling began to double every week after that. The baby is also pushing down already as early as 32 weeks. The feeling of discomfort started early too as the pain on my pelvic increases as day passes. OB once again advised me to take rest and no prolong movement (no walking more than 10 minutes, no prolong standing). 

We also decided to have a 4D ultrasound around this time as it excites us to see how our little boy will look like. It took us several tries just to get a clear view of the baby's face as he always try to hide it from us. 

As early as 34 weeks, the baby is already positioning to come out and I was once again advised to have a bed rest until my term (37^th week). The skin on my abdomen broke out in itchy bumps (rashes) when I was on my 35th week. It  was too uncomfortable, it was the kind of itch you cannot resist, the kind of itch that will wake you up in the wee hour unconsciously scratching your belly and the more you scratch the more it will irritate your skin and all the more you want to scratch it so the itch will go away (but it wont!). As per my researches, its called PEP (polymorphic eruption of pregnancy) and a sigh of relief that it wasn't harmful to the baby. I didn't put any medicine on it even though it was extremely itchy! 

It was also on my 35th week when we did the GBS test and met-up with anesthesiologist. I tested GBS positive and OB gave us a heads-up that there’ll be some additional tests to be done to the baby and to me once I give birth. This is to ensure that there’ll be no complication to the baby’s health regarding me being GBS positive. At 36th week, we still have quite a few items to prepare but I am not allowed to do more shopping so it was my mom who completed everything on our checklist just to make sure baby will not be pre-term. 

Happily, I was able to reach my term and gave birth at exactly on my 37^th week! Here are the pictures of my weekly progress as a pregnant woman :)

Looking back, that 9 months I have been carrying our precious little boy, I think the only concern on my whole pregnancy journey was that I gained quite a weight (a total of 38.5 lbs) and those naughty skin rashes. My OB would always scold me about my weight gain every single appointment but aside from that everything are well. 

I am always feeling positive and happy. To those who know me, they can tell the difference on my outlook before pregnancy compared to when I am carrying our baby. I always look at the brighter side, I do not get irritated that easily (which is something unusual as I have a short temper), I am always smiling and still cheerful even though the extra weight of my belly is already taking its toll. I never had high blood pressure either. I was “healthy” and baby is always in good term. So yeah, I think its safe to say, “That wasn’t a bad pregnancy journey after all”.

Another Surprise Party for Our Soon to Arrive Baby Boy!

So, last Friday, I had a surprise baby shower and I never had a slightest hint about it! 

I was unofficially invited to our very own baby shower organized by my husband and HPE/DXC family. Shout out to my husband for being able to keep this as a secret despite having a low EQ. LOL =))

They got me real good by throwing me this wonderful surprise. I was happy to see all of them and was all mixed up in emotions of surprise, joy and betrayal upon realizing that the surprise was actually happening. HAHA.

Here are the highlights from my wonderful and Pinterest inspired baby shower care of loving husband and friends. 

PS. Thank you, Liaa, for the amazing set-up! Super loved it!

 

Again, thank you so much to our HPE/DXC family for sharing our joy of welcoming the soon to arrive bundle of joy!

You have been part of our journey since Teng and I decided to settle down. You’ve all been there since the beginning, from ligawan months to Teng’s proposal, our engagement to our wedding and now off to another milestone. 

We are truly so lucky that we have found an amazing extended family in all of you. Our relationship grew beyond the four walls of the office and beyond the monitors of our computers.

May God always keep us together (even if we part ways in the professional world), and maywe have many more moments to celebrate. We are truly honored to be friends with all of you!!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

#bestbirthdaymessageever

I wasn't really expecting anything for my birthday as my husband and I had an advance celebration already when I went paragliding last week of April. I really wanted to try it for quite a long time already but because he's somehow hesitant about the safety, its been put on hold until he's comfortable with me doing it. 

Then, come last week of April, he finally allowed me to try it - just for my upcoming birthday. The paragliding crash course was his advance gift to me. I tried tandem for several times and then single. It was so much fun - not to tell, one heck of an arm workout! 

So on my birthday, nothing was really planned except to celebrate it with family and some friends over dinner. I wont be taking a day-off as my work-plan wont allow me to, I have several meetings and tasks to complete, so it was just a usual day for me.

Yet, my husband, early in the morning, tries to wake me up by calling my name and greeting me happy birthday. When I opened my eyes, he was holding a creme brulee cake which happen to be my most recent favorite. Its not the usual cake that can be bought in store by walk in, it has to be requested weeks ahead. So, it occur that my husband did prepare for my birthday. Hmm. So what's the surprise then? A bubble thought appear to my head.

A message wall came to me by surprise! Our pictures all over the wall, arranged and grouped according to the subject of his message.

Here's his messages up-close:

I felt every word. But one has caught my attention and has been my favorite birthday message ever! You know he's telling the truth! Sure I dont have a hot body like Marian Rivera (probably he's been checking her out thru Edsa Billboards) and a face as pretty as Emma Stone, but for my husband, damn, I am beautiful! Huh! This deserves a hashtag! #bestbirthdaymessageever :)

It was a simple celebration. A simple yet very fulfilling. I thank God for giving me another year of life, to enjoy, to make memories, to take on new challenges, to be grateful, to fail and to succeed, to laugh and be sad, to learn new things, to learn from the mistakes and to praise and gratify Him. Thank you for all the people who remembered me today. I appreciate every warm greetings you sent for me. I had a blast!

Sunday Reflection

After church, our family decided to have lunch in this fastfood chain. And while we're in the middle of it, a boy (around 5-6 years old) suddenly run towards our table, sit down and immediately grab my dad's drink and took a sip. It all happen in a mere 5-6 seconds. It was so sudden that my dad's reflection lead him to hurting the child (laying on of his hands to the child's forehead).  The mother of the child saw it and immediately made a comment about what happened.

Mother of the child: Nakita ko iyon! Masakit iyon! Wag naman ganyan.
Dad: Pasensya na. Sorry sorry. Nabigla lang.
Mother of the child: Kitang-kita ko ginawa nyo. Wag naman ganyan. Wag kayo manakit.
Dad: Nabigla lang po. Sorry sorry. Mali ako.
Mother of the child: Alam kong mayaman kayo, kaya ganyan ugali nyo, pero wag kayong manakit ng bata.

My brother's anger sparked after hearing that comment, he said:

Toni: Hawakan mo kasi anak mo.
Mother of the child: Hindi tamang nananakit kayo. Ganyan ugali nyo kasi mayaman kayo.

We tried to stop my brother from talking and making comments. But his anger just overcome his reasoning. And their public conversation goes on. Both of them have high tones, nearly shouting with each other.

Toni: Ano? Ano yun? Dapat kasi hinahawakan mo yang anak mo.
Mother of the child: Subukan mo kayang mag-anak para malaman mo. Sama ng ugali nyo kumo mayaman kayo.

Then they left after that.

We undestand why the mother reacted that way. Even I, if it will happen that my child will be beaten by someone in public, I will also be mad and will tell things that wouldnt be that good to hear. I understand that its a mother instinct. She has all her right to protect her child and we apologize that we were the ones that caused the outrage. 

My dad apologized and though someone will argue that you cannot undo what happened - the child already get hurt - we admitted that our side did something wrong. That's the best that we could do to pacify the situation. My dad didnt mean to do it - his reflection, a body insticnt, an involuntary movement of your body when you're in-shocked, a misjudge of the moment - lead him to do that. And we're truly sorry and saddened that it happened. 

My brother get hurt too. Who would want to be called 'masama ang ugali' just because you're well-off? Our status doesnt license us to be bad - we are well-aware of it. And the last thing that we would want to do is hurt people. We were taught to be fair and keep our feet on the ground. 

However, we admit that there is something wrong on how my brother reacted on the situation too. My brother misjudged the whole situation focusing on the line "Alam kong mayaman kayo, kaya ganyan ugali nyo".

He didnt like it. And I understand him too - no one is licensed to tell straight to our face that we're bad and we hurt people just because of our status. Yet, the situation wouldnt get worse if my brother just stopped making comments. 

I hope all these realization happened in that mere 3-minute situation so that there will be no shouting and trash talks. But it didnt and that's the sad part. That is why I decided to blog this. Its not that I wanna make a fuss about it, its just I feel I have this obligation to explain our side and make an apology too.

To the mother of the child, we're really sorry. My dad didnt mean to do that to your child. He was just shocked - he didnt expect someone he didnt know will just come to our table and immidiately sip to his own drinks. It was just unusual and beyond normal. I apologize too on how my brother talked to you. I hope you understand why - he was hurt. We aren't bad people. We dont like hurting our own breed. Our status in life doesnt give us any license to degrade any raise. It was just a result of the situation. I hope you will also realize that.


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2012: A year of loss and life lessons, yet despite all, its a year of blessings and new beginnings

Living our life is just like driving our car. You don't just look in the rear view mirror to reflect how your past life went but you also look ahead to see what will be there for you in the coming year. 

Looking back what went to our lives this 2012 will tell us enough story and lessons that we can add in our toolkit to better journey our 2013. This is the reason why I always reflect. I may not be able to undo all the mistakes I did in the past, but I had the opportunity to make them as my guide to better myself in the future.
So here's how my 2012 went:

2012 has been a year of travel and adventures.

Travelling has been one of the few things Teng and I both love doing. Its good that we also have friends and relatives who enjoy doing the same that made our trips super fun and extra exciting. We started to travel since Teng and I started dating, and hopefully, we will continue to enjoy going to different places 'til only-God-knows-when. ♥

2012 has been a year of 'firsts'

Here are some few of the firsts I experienced this 2012: First time to swim with pawikan(s). First scuba-diving! First bullet train ride. First time to curl my hair permanently. First time to attend a make-up class. First out of the country with college friends. First time to ride a bus for more than 14 hours straight crossing countries! First time to beach-bike. First time to do sand surfing. First time to do skinny-dipping! First time to dine under the moon and stars in the middle of the sea. First time to ride a flying-fish/sting-ray. First time to experience autumn!

I am sure 2013 will be full of firsts too and I am excited. Bring it on! :)